I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize