he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
