I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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