Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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