Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
