...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
