Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize