half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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