I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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