drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
