There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
