Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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