Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize