she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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