dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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