also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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