im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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