OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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