So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize