I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
