I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
