The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
