then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
