just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
