apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
