I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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