I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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