Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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