Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize