...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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