3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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