Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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