Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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