Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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