I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
