a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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