things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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