Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
