Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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