SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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