The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize