At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is Oprah even human
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
