I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
