bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize