It's Friday. Sex?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
