Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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