New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
