I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize