So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize