its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
