OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I am naked and annoyed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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