I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
