thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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