I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize