my vag is so smooth its legendary
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
