Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
