What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
