god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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