I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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