Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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